ADVENTURES OF AN E-BOOK BOOKIE 30: "MY NEW HERO: Harry Whittington"

Although I’m a self-proclaimed “E-BOOK BOOKIE” I must confess that I’ve only read five books on my Kindle. (Richard II, Lysistrata, The Art of War, Aesop’s Fables, and Richard Stark’s bleak and violent heist novel The Score.)

I much prefer the heft and feel and convenience (yes, convenience: no batteries, I can read on my exercise bike—without a fumble costing me $179.00—and I can read in the bathtub. And falling asleep while reading doesn’t result in a chipped tooth).

Blasphemer! Blasphemer!! Blasphemer!!!

Not really. E-books are the undeniable future and I cheer every new innovation and price reduction on Nooks and Tablets and Kindles.

So anyway Penny and I were doing one of our favorite things yesterday, rummaging through the shelves at “Paperbacks and More” in Santa Rosa, CA. Penny had a list and was on a mission and I was mildly searching for a good non-fiction title to read while I’m finishing up my latest novel Beautiful Lies.

When a book caught my eye.

It had the Black Lizard Books logo (always a good sign) and was a 1987 reissue of a 1959 novel A Ticket to Hell by Harry Whittington. I thumbed through the longish introduction, read the first page and bought it.

When I got home I read it.

This 128 page book has more twists and turns and satisfaction than any mystery/suspense book I've read in a long time. Terse, realistic dialog--not a set-up or a scene wasted. I was also delighted to learn that Harry Whittington has written over 150 novels.

Then I read the book’s breezy autobiographical introduction: “I Remember It Well” written by the author. I quote:

Questions most often asked: Why did you write a particular novel, how long did it take to write it, where’d you get the idea for it, and where do you get your ideas?

First, my story germs are contracted differently than those of the leading practitioners of suspense and mystery, and even western, writing. Several stellar-performer-writers have averred on TV and other public dais that they start to write with no idea where they’re going, or how their tale will resolve itself. One famous gentleman, writing for beginning writers, said he rewrote the ending of one book several times before making it come out right.

Despite the protestations of these best-selling writers, I personally find this lack of planning wasteful, unprofessional, and worst, even amateurish. Sometimes, I realize it’s said to sound artistic. Still it’s like setting out in a billion dollar shuttle for outer space with no flight plan. Head for the moon, but if you land on Mars, what the hell? It’s like a magician’s walking on stage without knowing if he will draw a rabbit a dove or anything at all out of his hat.

I usually start at the crisis, climax or dramatic denouement of my story, even if it’s sparked by some unusual scene, character, situation, or speculation. A story is not about “an innocent man framed by his own government” but how—with what special, carefully foreshadowed strength, skill, knowledge, or character trait—he overcomes this terrifying situation. This “planting” and a preconceived “emotional effect” which will gratify, shock and involve the reader is truly what the novel is all about....

I believe a good cabinet-maker can build a cabinet without rebuilding it forty-seven times. And I suggest he likely lays out his entire plan before he starts to build.

Having said this, I immediately stipulate that some of these writers who embark boldly with only nebulous idea, dramatic first scene or unusual character, have sold more books than Poe and I combined. I still hold to my battered barricades. I still don’t want to put myself in the untenable position where, when all else fails, I must resort to God in the machinery...

Souvabitch, that’s good advice.

I’ve read one of Harry Whittington’s 150 novels and I’m anxious to dig up and read a few more.

I wonder how many are on Kindle?

JOKE OF THE DAY

Have you heard about the new “Morning After’ pill for men?

It changes your bloodtype.

My middle-grade novel The Smartest Kid in Petaluma just appeared yesterday in ebook. Check it out at:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/109504

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 28: THE 4 P’s OF READING YOUR WORK IN PUBLIC

Dreams do come true.

After hard work, persistence, and a little luck your book will be published—it happens to, literally, several thousand authors a year. There are, according to the Book Industry Study Group nearly 400 new books published every day. (I’m not even attempting to guesstimate how many ebooks are published daily...)

So congratulations, you are in print.

The bad news is now you must utilize a skill that strikes discomfort and dread into the bowels of most writers.

Public speaking.

The best way to market your new book is to market yourself as a reader at book fairs, book stores, and all sundry and various literary opportunities and expositions. You can meet your adoring public and read, if not effortlessly at least comfortably, by following the 4 P’s of Reading Your Work in Public.

1) PREAMBLE

Don’t just stand up, clear your throat and start reading. Have a Preamble ready and practiced. Greet the throng (“throng” is a joke—be prepared to read respectfully, enthusiastically and energetically to a “crowd” that you could probably pile into a minivan) and thank them for taking time out of their busy lives to attend your reading. Toss out a tidbit about the inspiration (“This is an autobiographical novel”) and a practical aspect of composition (“I wrote it over a three-year period during my lunch hour at work—and lost 23 pounds!”). If the scene you’re reading needs a set-up, provide it succinctly.

Then, take a deep breath: smile, relax and enjoy.

2) PREPARE

Prepare at least four different passages to read from.

Seriously.

Have them bookmarked, ready and labeled 1,2,3,4. You should have a short and longer (not too long, we’ll talk about that later) program ready. Guaranteed, if you are reading as part of a group, someone will run over their allotted time. If you are prepared you can volunteer to the moderator of the reading (who will be freaking out) that you have a short-but-vivacious reading and will rescue the moment.

You should also be prepared to edit, on the fly, for content. At a reading at a local art gallery I had planned to read a graphic-but-comic sex scene from my novel High Steaks. As I was being introduced a former teacher from my high school entered and sat, proudly, anticipating his protégé’s public moment.

I rose and (ignoring my Preamble advice) said nothing. I just thumbed through my own book, looking for a replacement passage. I found one, stammered and stopped-and-started, and made a fool of myself.

In truth, Archbishop David Shaw (did I mentioned I attended a Catholic high school?) had probably been more embarrassed by a former student’s mumbling and bumbling oration than he’d have been by the sex scene I’d planned on reading; but the fact remains: I hadn’t prepared properly. This reflected on me as an author and, ultimately, on my novel’s quality.

We learn from our mistakes to the extent that we suffer from those mistakes. This was an embarrassing, awkward and stupid experience for me. Don’t let it happen to you. Prepare, prepare, prepare.

My friend Linda McCabe prints out the passage she’s reading on cardstock in an 18 point font. I feel comfortable reading from the book but this is a great idea and an indication to the audience just how seriously you take this reading.

3) PRACTICE

A public reading is performance art.

Chose your passage with care. A lively selection that can be performed is the best. Dialog is particularly enjoyable and easy to act out. Give each voice a little twist or twang and leave out the he said, she saids. Consciously practice your parts; accent, dialect, significant pauses (during which you’ll look up and make eye contact with the audience).

Mark your book!

Write Pause or Soft or With Emphasis in the margin.

Also, practice your reading in front of the bathroom mirror. Incorporate several subtle gestures: an opened hand; an uplifted eyebrow at the appropriate moment. Be aware of pace and alter speeds while reading. Change your voice’s volume. This is applicable to non-fiction as well: conclusions should be stated with the proper emphasis.

While practicing in front of the mirror pay attention to your posture and how you hold the book. Grasp the book, with one hand, at the bottom so the title is in plain view at all times. Hold it relaxed with a bent elbow, in front of your chest, not your face. Don’t be a choirboy with two hands clutching the tome and don’t fumble with glasses, massage your scalp or scratch body parts.

You’d be amazed at what you see in that bathroom mirror.

I had a penchant for scratching the right side of my head, unconsciously, while reading aloud.

Reading and speaking in public is stressful. Take heed and spend at least an hour practicing your four passages—while timing them—in front of a mirror.

DO NOT drink coffee for at least an hour before reading. First, you’ll already be somewhat nervous and wired (a natural reaction) and, Second, coffee dries out your mouth and will give you the “smackies”. Have a sip of water before you start and please, don’t bring a water bottle to the table or podium unless you’re giving an hour-long seminar.

You don’t need the charm of George Clooney or forcefulness of Hillary Clinton to read professionally and confidently. But you do have to practice. George and Hillary’s audiences expect perfection and will be disappointed if they are not enthralled. Your audience is expecting, at best, a moderate diversion and will be delighted if you are the least bit prepared and confident.

4) PROFESSIONAL

Arrive early; introduce yourself to the bookstore manager (or whoever’s in charge). Offer to help setting up. Carry a chair; make small talk. If there is a microphone familiarize yourself with its operation beforehand.

Ask where (not if) you can set out business cards and copies of your book. Treat the reading as an opportunity, be grateful and professional and they’ll remember you.

Unless you’re homeless don’t dress like a slob. You are representing your book, your publisher, and yourself. Wearing a tuxedo would surely (for most readings) be inappropriate, but showing up with mis-matched socks and a stained and untucked shirt is rude.

Most importantly: DON’T READ TOO LONG!

I’ve done this and there is a conspicuous, palpable and sickening feeling when you’ve lost the audience. When in doubt, go with a shorter passage and add more pauses and playfulness.

Tease the audience into caring about your characters, then stop.

You’ll have some fun and maybe sell a few books.

JOKE OF THE DAY:

What did the Indians say when they saw the pilgrims coming?

“Great, boat people.”

www.robloughranbooks.com

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 24: "This Little Piggy Went to Market"

I’ve been writing query letters for three weeks.

I found a shitload of online reviewers at several sites. They review anything and everything from GLBT Vegan Cookbooks to YA Christian Vampire/Slasher Porn (I’m joking yawl, please don’t take offense...)

If you need to garner some reviews to increase your book’s visibility check out these four sites:

Simon Royale’s List of Indie Reviewers

http://www.simon-royle.com/indie-reviewers/

The Book Blogger Directory

http://bookbloggerdirectory.wordpress.com/

The Official Indie Book Reviewer List: A Handy Reference Guide for Self-Published Authors and Small Publishers

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=gmail&attid=0.1&thid=132cab47d7a524ac&mt=application/pdf&url=https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui%3D2%26ik%3D9a4ab24926%26view%3Datt%26th%3D132cab47d7a524ac%26attid%3D0.1%26disp%3Dsafe%26zw&sig=AHIEtbS3OLkRD_P9B3OrBh6160J8ttlcaQ

And a Google.doc Spreadsheet entitled: Book Reviewers-Updated June 2011

https://spreadsheets.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AnjJ9uZ3TZ2mdGliem94UlZLZmhTTGJNWElpdm81Z2c&authkey=CL-y58MK&hl=en_US#gid=0

For the last 20 days I’ve been slogging through these lists:

1) Finding a reviewer who accepts ebooks in my genre

2) Checking the reviewers’ website to: A) See if they are still actively accepting manuscripts, and: B) Find their name so I could write a proper and personal query letter

3) Writing a query that corresponds precisely to the submission specs for review requests

4) Responding promptly and thoughtfully to everyone who turned you down, thanking them for their time

5) Following up—immediately—on requests for cover JPEGs or Bios or sample chapters

So in 20 days I wrote 132 personalized queries and sent another 14 in through eforms (see above: corresponds precisely to the submission specs for requested reviews) and I’ve had three requests for author interviews, one request to participate in a book giveaway (I donated 10 copies) and I have 15 people who have agreed to review my book. My first solicited review of Tantric Zoo (favorable) was posted today on Smashwords http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/76067

I spent a long, long time at the computer but I think 19/146 is a great average.

Which is missing the point entirely.

Malcolm Gladwell wrote in The Outliers: “Those three things—autonomy, complexity, and a connection between effort and reward—are, most people agree, the three qualities that work has to have if it is to be satisfying....Work that fulfills those three criteria is meaningful.”

With these last three weeks of work I feel that I’ve gotten a handle on how to succeed as an Indie author. (First-and-foremost-and-always-and-forever write the best book you can. Just because you CAN publish instantly doesn’t mean you SHOULD.) Everyone said (blogged): The key to success is to Brand Yourself/Social Media/Internet Presence.

These are vague terms caked with confusion and bullshit used by people who CAN’T tell you precisely what to do. (Except send them $40 to increase traffic to your site: “Guaranteed results at www.blahfuckingblah.com”)

I stumbled on what you and I—as Indie authors—should do: Follow the recipe outlined above. Write the query letters, scour the lists, and be gracious in your requests.

There are no parades. There are only late nights with the lists above. Alone and all by yourself but I find a certain symmetry and logic to that.

After all, that’s how we write our books.

SAMPLE QUERY LETTER:

Dear Liz:

Would you like to review a murder mystery that takes place in California wine country?

The name of the book is Tantric Zoo: A Bud Warhol Mystery

Published by Bubba Caxton Books: A Division of Foul Mouthed Bard Press

ISBN: 5-8000-5538-559

BLURB:

Tantric Zoo begins at a tantric sex couples retreat in 1987. Amid the cavorting and indulging and groping and exploring one of the campers ends up dead. The surviving campers bury the body and return to their lives.

Until 2008 when the body is discovered and forensic anthropologist Bud Warhol tracks the campers down. Bud finds the murderer but also discovers how two decades of guilt has altered and affected the lives of everyone involved with the Tantric Zoo.

“A rollicking good read.”

—Linda McCabe, author of Quest of the Warrior Maid

Rob Loughran has 22 books in print. His first novel High Steaks won the 2002 New Mystery Award. He lives in Windsor, CA. Check out his fiction and humor at:

www.robloughranbooks.com

www.lulu.com/rloughranjokes

A free copy is available on Smashwords: www.smashwords.com/profile/view/robloughranbooks with the coupon code pw23y (exp: 10/23/11)

Thanks,
Rob Loughran

______________________________________

JOKE OF THE DAY:

What’s the difference between a female optimist and a horny teenaged girl taking

a bath?

One has hope in her soul.

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 19: More Writing Quotes and a Free eBook

23

The greatest analgesic, soporific, stimulant, tranquilizer, narcotic, and to some extent even antibiotic—in short, the closest thing to a genuine panacea—know to medical science is work.

—Thomas Szasz

24

To a poet, silence is an acceptable response, even a flattering one.

—Colette

25

Because if you are like most people, then like most people you don’t know you are like most people.

—Daniel Gilbert

26

A work in which there are theories is like an object which still has its price-tag on it.

—Marcel Proust

27

One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper patterns at the right moment.

—Hart Crane

28

As a writer I believe that all the basic human truths are known. And what we try to do as best we can is come at these truths from our own unique angle to reilluminate those truths in a hopefully different way.

—William Goldman

29

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not the anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

—Buddha

30

The moment a writer picks up his pen, he is no longer himself or entirely of this world.

—Richard Selzer

31

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

—Steve Martin

32

We just can’t make the best of a fate until it is inescapably, inevitably, and irrevocably ours.

—Daniel Gilbert 33

When we open our eyes each morning, it is upon a world we have spent a lifetime learning to see. We are not given the world: we make our world through incessant experience, categorization, memory, reconnection.

—Oliver Sacks

34

Who controls the society’s memory controls its will.

—Phillip J. Hilts

35

And, of course, any writer who pays attention to critics is an ass.

—John D. MacDonald

36

Words are loaded pistols.

—Jean-Paul Sartre

37

We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.

—Eric Hoffer

38

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

—Walter Payton

39

No right or wrong storytelling answer exists. Ever.

—William Goldman

40

If it was easy everyone would do it.

—Billie Jean King

41

Storytellers have been getting us through the night for centuries. Hollywood is the current campfire.

—Gloria Steinham

42

All living souls welcome whatever they are ready to cope with; all else they ignore or pronounce to be monstrous and wrong, or deny to be possible.

—George Santayana

43

Stability in language is synonymous with rigor mortis.

—Ernest Weekley

44

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.

—Francois duc de la Rouchefoucauld

45

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.

—William James

JOKE OF THE DAY

Why does Charlie Sheen refer to his nostrils as “The Olsen Twins”?

Because both pairs are snotty as hell and filled with cocaine.

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Please try this out and give the jokebook a read.

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Thanks, that's all,

Rob