ADVENTURES OF AN E-BOOK BOOKIE 33: "Amazon KDP Select: A Borrower or a Lender Be?"

Amazon.com is at it again.

Trying to expand their digital dominance with KDP Select.

What is it?

In a nutshell:

When you make any of your titles exclusive to the Kindle Store for at least 90 days, those with US rights will automatically be included in the Kindle Owners' Lending Library and can earn a share of a monthly fund. The monthly fund for December 2011 is $500,000 and will total at least $6 million in 2012. If you haven't checked it out already, the Kindle Owners' Lending Library is a collection of books that eligible US Amazon Prime members can borrow for free once a month with no due dates.
You'll also now have access to a new set of promotional tools, starting with the option to promote your KDP Select-enrolled titles for FREE for up to 5 days every 90 days.
How your share of the monthly fund is calculated:
Your share of the monthly fund is based on your enrolled titles' share of the total number of borrows across all participating KDP titles in the Kindle Owners' Lending Library. For example, if total borrows of all participating KDP titles are 100,000 in December and your book was borrowed 1,500 times, you will earn $7,500 in additional royalties from KDP Select in December. Enrolled titles will remain available for sale to any customer in the Kindle Store and you will continue to earn your regular royalties on those sales.
What this means to you:
KDP Select gives you access to a whole new source of royalties and readers- you not only benefit from a new way of making money, but you also get the chance to reach even more readers by getting your book in front of a growing number of US Amazon Prime customers: readers and future fans of your books that you may have not had a chance to reach before! Additionally, the ability to offer your book for free will help expand your worldwide reader base.

(Read the entire email from Amazon at: https://mail.google.com/mail/?shva=1#inbox/1341ec8228ba27c1)

Wowsa!

What a deal and all I have to do is give up all alternate methods of sales and marketing for 90 days minimum (automatically renewed unless I opt out).

I might be able to garner a few additional shekels, dinar, yen, Euros, and dollars but I do not like the not-so-veiled move to put other ebook purveyors out of business.

But business is business and God Bless the American Way (especially during the two week spending orgy prior to the alleged birth of a swaddled-and-suckling-yet-somehow-all-powerful-deity).

Here’s what I’m gonna do.

Before I formatted and uploaded my big jokebooks and novels to Smashwords and Kindle I created a “Practice File” of jokes entitled, A Terribly Filthy Little Jokebook. I took chapters from previously published jokebooks, standardized the font and margins, checked for duplicate jokes, dicked around with the formatting and uploaded it to Smashwords/Kindle.

I didn’t know what formatting for an ebook consisted of and I wanted a Mulligan to warmup with. I uploaded A Terribly Filthy Little Jokebook to Smashwords/Kindle and now, as another experiment, I’m going to enroll the book as an exclusive KDP Select file and see what the hell happens with this new opportunity.

I’ll report any and all results in this blog.

I’m going to sign up for KDP Select right now...

I’m back.

It’s simple: You go to your KDP dashboard, select the proper title. If you have more than one title be certain you only select the title you want and click “Enroll”.

But to make it official I have to Unpublish the book from Smashwords (and my website, blog, etc. What Kindle Select desires is to be king-of-the-fucking-hill. Apparently—if action speaks louder than words—nothing else will suffice...)

So now I’m back from Smashwords.

Click.

Unpublish.

(I love Smashwords. They let you do what you want: they offer ISBNs, autonomy, flexibility, coupons...but I digress.)

I must repeat that I’m doing this as an experiment with a single book I cobbled together to use as an “Electronically Uploaded Guinea Pig.” If you have a Kindle please borrow A Terribly Filthy Little Jokebook for free at: http://www.amazon.com/Terribly-Filthy-Little-Jokebook-ebook/dp/B0052MTG4M

But think twice before you enroll your little darlings. Smashwords’ Mark Coker points out:

But there's a catch. Actually, multiple catches, which are outlined in their Terms and Conditions:

1. For the time your book is enrolled in the program, you cannot distribute or sell your book anywhere else. Not Apple, not Barnes & Noble, not Smashwords, not Kobo, not Sony, not even your own personal blog or web site. Your title must be 100% exclusive to Amazon.
2. If you violate their exclusivity terms at any point during the three-month enrollment period, or you unpublish your book to remove it from the program so you can distribute your book elsewhere, you risk forfeited earnings, delayed payments, a lein on future earnings, or you may get kicked out of the Kindle Direct Publishing program altogether.
3. Your enrollment, and thus your liability to Amazon, automatically renews every three months if you neglect to opt out.

(Read it all at: https://mail.google.com/mail/?shva=1#inbox/134228fb22b9b0fb)

Amazon makes it so easy to put all your eggs in one basket. But remember, as Tom Waits sings, The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.

God Bless America, Consumerism, and Amazon.com!!!

JOKE OF THE DAY:

A man says to his doctor, “I just don’t have any energy, doc. I’m tired all the time.”

“What you need to do,” says the doctor, “is walk over to that window and open it.”

The man does.

“Drop your pants and wave your junk around. Lift up your dick so your balls catch some fresh air.”

The man does.

“Now turn around and spread your butt cheeks. Wide.”

The man Does.

“Wider!”

The man does and says, “Will this make me feel better?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” says the doctor. “It’s just that I hate that fucking lawyer who works across the breezeway.”

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 31: "THIS STUFF WE WRITE!"

I cleaned my office this week.

I found four copies of Beowulf, a dusty and almost empty bottle of Christian Brothers Brandy, and this article which was written for Runner’s World’s “Finish Line”: personal essays published on RW’s last page. It protruded from a copy of Galloway’s Book on Running and was accompanied by a signed rejection slip (returned in an SASE—remember those?) dated March 20, 1989:

MENDING HEART, SWOLLEN KNEES

by

Rob Loughran

Running has always been an integral part of my life: a mildly successful (but highly enjoyable) high school career, then 10Ks in college, and the occasional marathon. Like most recreational runners I have years of running journals, bad knees, and enough race day t-shirts to clothe a Third World nation.

But I never realized how important running was to me until after my wife died.

She died following a three year battle with cancer. Even though you are prepared for the death of a spouse, the reality doesn’t hit you until the dirt hits the coffin.

Then it hits you.

Old friends look at you with sad eyes. Fellow workers trip over their tongues trying to talk about safe subjects. Clergy you’ve never seen before (or since) call with condolences. Even your children look at you strangely: but that’s probably because they now have to eat my cooking.

During the time immediately after my wife’s death the only thing that was stable and safe to me was my daily run. My legs burned the same on the hills. My heart beat in my ears during interval work. My lungs still pulled in the cold morning air. Sweat is salty as tears.

Looking back I see that running enabled me to deal with a difficult situation more effectively than support groups, uncontrolled weeping, or alcohol.

I tried all three.

But I took to running long slow distances. Every Wednesday I routinely ran a slow, easy 24-28 miler.

I work weekends and my Wednesday is most people’s Sunday. The kids were in school. I had the whole day (until 3:00 PM) to myself. I would slip off into the morning fog and run to town—eight miles away. Once in town I would run two or three miles on Casa Grande’s track then jog cross-town to Petaluma High for another eight to twelve laps. I’d stop at gas stations and the library for water. I’d pit-stop at my cousin’s or my parents’ for a Seven-Up.

Then eight miles back home.

I got into real good shape, the best shape of my life. I started thinking about taking a weekend off, paying the registration fee, and running another “real” marathon. I thought about adding some fast mile intervals for speed work. I considered a new PR 2:30? Maybe?

Then I did the only sensible thing and ran my Wednesdays without my Casio.

PRs had nothing to do with this phase of my running life. I loved my weekly runs. They were quietly important and essential to me. They sustained me, emotionally and physically, for the entire week. The exertion was sublime and the accomplishment—every week—was a thrill but the most important thing was that these runs afforded me a socially acceptable reason to be alone.

I craved solitude.

I needed to be completely alone and unfettered for X number of hours a week. In retrospect it wasn’t the miles run but the time alone that was crucial.

To view these long slow ambling runs as the means to a 2:30 marathon was sacrilege. They were important in and of themselves. They were real and alive.

Unfortunately we often see ourselves, not as we are, but as others view us. At work (and by family) I was viewed as a creature deserving sympathy: “Poor Rob,” they’d say, “five kids, no wife, up to his eyeballs in debt.”

Bullshit.

I am single with five kids and a stack of bills but I will never be deserving of pity. When I am alone and running I am the person I know I am: Quirky but solid. Kind of funny.

Running has allowed me to weather a tremendous storm. It’s maintained my self-esteem after my world came tumbling down. It has always been a part of my life. But during these last few years it has saved my life.

* * *

MENDING HEART, BAD KNEES was never published; never had—as an unsolicited submission from an unknown writer/runner—any chance of publication. But reading it 20+ years later I’m kind of proud of the fledging writer who typed and proofed and retyped and sent it away (with an SASE, of course).

This stuff we write.

It doesn’t matter if the stuff is published. In the end it matters only that it’s written.

JOKE OF THE DAY:

A man walks into a bar and orders a double.

“Troubles at home?” asks the bartender.

“Yes,” says the man, “I think, my wife is dead.”

“You think your wife is dead?”

“Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.”

Go buy a copy of Rob’s new middle-grade novel The Smartest Kid in Petaluma at:

www.smashwords.com/profile/view/robloughranbooks

(Or a copy of Tantric Zoo: A Bud Warhol Mystery)

(Or a copy of A Man Walks Into a Bar...)

(Or a copy of Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story)

ADVENTURES OF AN E-BOOK BOOKIE 30: "MY NEW HERO: Harry Whittington"

Although I’m a self-proclaimed “E-BOOK BOOKIE” I must confess that I’ve only read five books on my Kindle. (Richard II, Lysistrata, The Art of War, Aesop’s Fables, and Richard Stark’s bleak and violent heist novel The Score.)

I much prefer the heft and feel and convenience (yes, convenience: no batteries, I can read on my exercise bike—without a fumble costing me $179.00—and I can read in the bathtub. And falling asleep while reading doesn’t result in a chipped tooth).

Blasphemer! Blasphemer!! Blasphemer!!!

Not really. E-books are the undeniable future and I cheer every new innovation and price reduction on Nooks and Tablets and Kindles.

So anyway Penny and I were doing one of our favorite things yesterday, rummaging through the shelves at “Paperbacks and More” in Santa Rosa, CA. Penny had a list and was on a mission and I was mildly searching for a good non-fiction title to read while I’m finishing up my latest novel Beautiful Lies.

When a book caught my eye.

It had the Black Lizard Books logo (always a good sign) and was a 1987 reissue of a 1959 novel A Ticket to Hell by Harry Whittington. I thumbed through the longish introduction, read the first page and bought it.

When I got home I read it.

This 128 page book has more twists and turns and satisfaction than any mystery/suspense book I've read in a long time. Terse, realistic dialog--not a set-up or a scene wasted. I was also delighted to learn that Harry Whittington has written over 150 novels.

Then I read the book’s breezy autobiographical introduction: “I Remember It Well” written by the author. I quote:

Questions most often asked: Why did you write a particular novel, how long did it take to write it, where’d you get the idea for it, and where do you get your ideas?

First, my story germs are contracted differently than those of the leading practitioners of suspense and mystery, and even western, writing. Several stellar-performer-writers have averred on TV and other public dais that they start to write with no idea where they’re going, or how their tale will resolve itself. One famous gentleman, writing for beginning writers, said he rewrote the ending of one book several times before making it come out right.

Despite the protestations of these best-selling writers, I personally find this lack of planning wasteful, unprofessional, and worst, even amateurish. Sometimes, I realize it’s said to sound artistic. Still it’s like setting out in a billion dollar shuttle for outer space with no flight plan. Head for the moon, but if you land on Mars, what the hell? It’s like a magician’s walking on stage without knowing if he will draw a rabbit a dove or anything at all out of his hat.

I usually start at the crisis, climax or dramatic denouement of my story, even if it’s sparked by some unusual scene, character, situation, or speculation. A story is not about “an innocent man framed by his own government” but how—with what special, carefully foreshadowed strength, skill, knowledge, or character trait—he overcomes this terrifying situation. This “planting” and a preconceived “emotional effect” which will gratify, shock and involve the reader is truly what the novel is all about....

I believe a good cabinet-maker can build a cabinet without rebuilding it forty-seven times. And I suggest he likely lays out his entire plan before he starts to build.

Having said this, I immediately stipulate that some of these writers who embark boldly with only nebulous idea, dramatic first scene or unusual character, have sold more books than Poe and I combined. I still hold to my battered barricades. I still don’t want to put myself in the untenable position where, when all else fails, I must resort to God in the machinery...

Souvabitch, that’s good advice.

I’ve read one of Harry Whittington’s 150 novels and I’m anxious to dig up and read a few more.

I wonder how many are on Kindle?

JOKE OF THE DAY

Have you heard about the new “Morning After’ pill for men?

It changes your bloodtype.

My middle-grade novel The Smartest Kid in Petaluma just appeared yesterday in ebook. Check it out at:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/109504

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 29: "How to Write YOUR Novel and Still Have Time for Sex"

Not time for only sex; but for all those things we are obligated to do on a regular basis: job, family, exercise, finances, changing the catbox. I just used SEX in the title to get your attention.

The first step in writing your novel is to realize no one but you can write it. A writing teacher friend of mine begins each of her seminars by placing a pencil on 300 sheets of paper and saying, “Novels never write themselves.”

The second step is realizing that a novel isn’t written all at once. Let’s dust off some math skills. Say your book will be 80,000 words. At 250 words/page that’s 320 pages; or a page/day for 10.66 months. Allowing 5 weeks for research and, outlining, writing up some character background, etc, that’s a novel in a year. If you started writing TODAY, one year from today you could be printing out your novel while scouring your Market Guide for publishers.

That’s simplified, of course: you must rewrite.

But you’ll also have days when you write 500, 750, or 1,000 words. Jack London wrote 40 books by adhering to this simple principle: A daily writing stint of 1,500 words, every day, before breakfast. Ralph McInerny, author of the Father Dowling mystery series, mainstream novels, and books on religion and philosophy recommends getting a give-away-calendar from the auto parts store and hanging it in a prominent place. Then start writing your prescribed-daily-quota (PDQ) and don’t go back to rewrite UNTIL YOUR FIRST DRAFT IS COMPLETE. Every day you reach your quota, you X out that day on the calendar. That Xed out calendar will provide a visual, daily reminder to yourself of your novel’s progress. And a blank week or two will goad you out of procrastination.

Adhere to your daily stint and you’ll have a novel PDQ.

TO OUTLINE OR NOT TO OUTLINE?

There’s the story about the backyard inventor who worked for years on this machine that featured electrical and gas engines; wires, screws, bolts, and buckets of every size. One day his neighbor popped his head over the fence and said: “That’s a magnificent creation. What’s it do?”

The inventor smiled and said, “I don’t really know.”

Obviously, this anecdote dictates the need for an outline, but, conversely, Robert Frost said, “No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader.”

Who’s right? Should writers depend on creativity and spontaneity or plan as meticulously as an engineer? The answer (as to most of life’s dilemmas) is somewhere in the middle ground. If not a strict outline you should at least have a plan that includes genre, length, historical era, basic character sketches, and a short plot summary. All of which you can follow strictly or abandon when those all-too-rare moments of Inspiration dictate that the story MUST take this direction.

But again, the most meticulous of outlines or the most profound artistic inspiration are squat if you don’t plop your butt in that chair and write.

HOW TO PLOP YOUR BUTT IN THAT CHAIR AND WRITE

Okay, let’s take out pencils and a piece of paper.

Seriously, this is the hands-on part. I want you to make a list of the activities that you perform on a daily basis. Try to come up with 20 items. Include job, commuting, chores, school, leisure activities etc.

Now, give each activity a 1 if it’s CRUCIAL, a 2 if it’s IMPORTANT, or a 3 if it’s something that can be put on a BACK BURNER. (Example: 1 = writing stint, 2 = clean office, 3 = watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Don’t just read this—try it.)

Okay, you’ve got 20 or so items ranked in value. Go back through your list and circle all the items you awarded a 2. Now, take these #2 items and make them either a CRUCIAL 1 or a BACK BURNER 3. From my example above, I would take “clean office” and either DO IT NOW, or put it off until tomorrow, not on whimsy, but with good reason! If my office were so filthy I couldn’t write or perform another CRUCIAL item (i.e. make the car payment to avoid a late charge) it becomes a 1. If my office were merely in its normal state of dusty disrepair, but I could pound out a writing stint I’d make it a BACK BURNER item and attend my daughter’s soccer game.

Now, here’s the true impact of this exercise: Did you do it? If not, what does it say about your determination to finish that novel? Please go back and do it. And remember, the circumstances of life are constantly changing. Use this tool as often as you need.

MUM’S THE WORD

Don’t show anybody your novel until it is finished, rewritten and polished! The only result of “What do you think of my opening chapter?” will be doubt, second-guessing, and insecurity. Maybe it’s too wordy or sketchy. People will point this out to you. But you would have discovered and fixed that on a subsequent rewrite, right? Or worse, the person you’ve appointed Ebert will say they really liked it; it was Nice.

Trust your judgment.

But there is a huge difference in hearing advice from a fellow writer and from Auntie Sarah. If there is someone whose opinion you value and honesty you can count on you, then please avail yourself of their input. My wife (who is a voracious reader, but breaks into a sweat when writing anything longer than a Xmas card) and I have worked out a system. She sits sipping tea or wine while I read in a flat monotonous voice (you want your words, not your inflection, to have the impact) from my stuff. At any point where I lose her—for whatever reason—she starts snoring and I mark that spot in the manuscript. I trust her and don’t take offence. And she’s usually right.

Okay, she’s always right.

Remember what Gene Perret said, “Nothing is written until it’s rewritten.” Don’t pass an uncooked book around indiscriminately. It’s a recipe for disaster.

PEP TALK

I hate pep talks.

I was always mystified and confused when coaches demanded 110%, so this isn’t a RAH RAH, YOU CAN DO IT! snappy, snazzy, quotable pep talk.

Just the opposite.

Here goes:

How would you feel, one year from now, if your novel is still a misty-someday-dream with not a single word written? Project ahead five years. You still haven’t finished (have you even started?). How does that make you feel?

Ten years?

Now, think how you’ll feel, if when you finish this article, you put a calendar on the wall, and by this time next week see 5 or 6 X’s?

Then a month’s worth?

A year’s worth?

Writing instructor Lew Hunter wrote: “We all have talent. How we use it and don’t use it is what the game is all about in writing and in life itself. We must not get beaten down by those who choose to simply take up space on this planet, by those whose lives risk counting for nothing.”

Don't risk your life counting for nothing

SIDEBAR 1

One essential book to keep by your keyboard is Pushcart’s Complete Rotten Reviews & Rejections. Here’s a sampling: an 1844 review of Huckleberry Finn: “A gross trifling with every fine feeling…Mr. Clemens has no reliable sense of propriety.”

An 1814 review of Gulliver’s Travels: “Evidence of a diseased mind and lacerated heart.” From a rejection letter of James Cain’s, The Postman Always Rings Twice: “I think it is only a matter of time before you reach out into more substantial efforts that will be capable of making some real money as books.”

There will always be hope for your novel; get it written.

Novelist R.K. Narayan stated, simply: “You become a writer by writing.”

SIDEBAR 2

Simple timesavers that can add to your productivity: Wake up twenty minutes earlier or go to bed twenty minutes later. Twenty minutes! Not even half-an-hour! Use that extra time to write or do chores or bookkeeping; which will free up time to write. That translates into more than two hours a week; over a hundred hours in a year.

The television is a thief. Don’t blow it up; but do turn it off for an evening and see what you accomplish. Try watching just the second half of football and basketball games. Stop watching reruns. They’re reruns.

While commuting use a tape recorder to plan chapters or polish dialogue. Listen to Books on Tape to learn from other writers.

Utilize “Aggravation Time”. Instead of fuming while waiting to pay for groceries, mentally compose a story about the person in front of you with thirteen items in the ten-items-or-less line. What color trailer does she live in? How many cats does she own? Which brand of canned cheese is her favorite?

If you’re blocked or stuck write a letter or a limerick. Just get writing anything and it’ll get you back on that yellow brick road.

JOKE OF THE DAY:

Fourth-grade Johnny is home from school at 10:00 AM and mom asks: "What are you doing home?"

"I got suspended."

"But today was a field trip to the zoo. How could you get suspended on a zoo field trip?"

"I was feeding the ducks."

"So why were you suspended?"

"I was feeding them to the lions."

www.robloughranbooks.com

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 28: THE 4 P’s OF READING YOUR WORK IN PUBLIC

Dreams do come true.

After hard work, persistence, and a little luck your book will be published—it happens to, literally, several thousand authors a year. There are, according to the Book Industry Study Group nearly 400 new books published every day. (I’m not even attempting to guesstimate how many ebooks are published daily...)

So congratulations, you are in print.

The bad news is now you must utilize a skill that strikes discomfort and dread into the bowels of most writers.

Public speaking.

The best way to market your new book is to market yourself as a reader at book fairs, book stores, and all sundry and various literary opportunities and expositions. You can meet your adoring public and read, if not effortlessly at least comfortably, by following the 4 P’s of Reading Your Work in Public.

1) PREAMBLE

Don’t just stand up, clear your throat and start reading. Have a Preamble ready and practiced. Greet the throng (“throng” is a joke—be prepared to read respectfully, enthusiastically and energetically to a “crowd” that you could probably pile into a minivan) and thank them for taking time out of their busy lives to attend your reading. Toss out a tidbit about the inspiration (“This is an autobiographical novel”) and a practical aspect of composition (“I wrote it over a three-year period during my lunch hour at work—and lost 23 pounds!”). If the scene you’re reading needs a set-up, provide it succinctly.

Then, take a deep breath: smile, relax and enjoy.

2) PREPARE

Prepare at least four different passages to read from.

Seriously.

Have them bookmarked, ready and labeled 1,2,3,4. You should have a short and longer (not too long, we’ll talk about that later) program ready. Guaranteed, if you are reading as part of a group, someone will run over their allotted time. If you are prepared you can volunteer to the moderator of the reading (who will be freaking out) that you have a short-but-vivacious reading and will rescue the moment.

You should also be prepared to edit, on the fly, for content. At a reading at a local art gallery I had planned to read a graphic-but-comic sex scene from my novel High Steaks. As I was being introduced a former teacher from my high school entered and sat, proudly, anticipating his protégé’s public moment.

I rose and (ignoring my Preamble advice) said nothing. I just thumbed through my own book, looking for a replacement passage. I found one, stammered and stopped-and-started, and made a fool of myself.

In truth, Archbishop David Shaw (did I mentioned I attended a Catholic high school?) had probably been more embarrassed by a former student’s mumbling and bumbling oration than he’d have been by the sex scene I’d planned on reading; but the fact remains: I hadn’t prepared properly. This reflected on me as an author and, ultimately, on my novel’s quality.

We learn from our mistakes to the extent that we suffer from those mistakes. This was an embarrassing, awkward and stupid experience for me. Don’t let it happen to you. Prepare, prepare, prepare.

My friend Linda McCabe prints out the passage she’s reading on cardstock in an 18 point font. I feel comfortable reading from the book but this is a great idea and an indication to the audience just how seriously you take this reading.

3) PRACTICE

A public reading is performance art.

Chose your passage with care. A lively selection that can be performed is the best. Dialog is particularly enjoyable and easy to act out. Give each voice a little twist or twang and leave out the he said, she saids. Consciously practice your parts; accent, dialect, significant pauses (during which you’ll look up and make eye contact with the audience).

Mark your book!

Write Pause or Soft or With Emphasis in the margin.

Also, practice your reading in front of the bathroom mirror. Incorporate several subtle gestures: an opened hand; an uplifted eyebrow at the appropriate moment. Be aware of pace and alter speeds while reading. Change your voice’s volume. This is applicable to non-fiction as well: conclusions should be stated with the proper emphasis.

While practicing in front of the mirror pay attention to your posture and how you hold the book. Grasp the book, with one hand, at the bottom so the title is in plain view at all times. Hold it relaxed with a bent elbow, in front of your chest, not your face. Don’t be a choirboy with two hands clutching the tome and don’t fumble with glasses, massage your scalp or scratch body parts.

You’d be amazed at what you see in that bathroom mirror.

I had a penchant for scratching the right side of my head, unconsciously, while reading aloud.

Reading and speaking in public is stressful. Take heed and spend at least an hour practicing your four passages—while timing them—in front of a mirror.

DO NOT drink coffee for at least an hour before reading. First, you’ll already be somewhat nervous and wired (a natural reaction) and, Second, coffee dries out your mouth and will give you the “smackies”. Have a sip of water before you start and please, don’t bring a water bottle to the table or podium unless you’re giving an hour-long seminar.

You don’t need the charm of George Clooney or forcefulness of Hillary Clinton to read professionally and confidently. But you do have to practice. George and Hillary’s audiences expect perfection and will be disappointed if they are not enthralled. Your audience is expecting, at best, a moderate diversion and will be delighted if you are the least bit prepared and confident.

4) PROFESSIONAL

Arrive early; introduce yourself to the bookstore manager (or whoever’s in charge). Offer to help setting up. Carry a chair; make small talk. If there is a microphone familiarize yourself with its operation beforehand.

Ask where (not if) you can set out business cards and copies of your book. Treat the reading as an opportunity, be grateful and professional and they’ll remember you.

Unless you’re homeless don’t dress like a slob. You are representing your book, your publisher, and yourself. Wearing a tuxedo would surely (for most readings) be inappropriate, but showing up with mis-matched socks and a stained and untucked shirt is rude.

Most importantly: DON’T READ TOO LONG!

I’ve done this and there is a conspicuous, palpable and sickening feeling when you’ve lost the audience. When in doubt, go with a shorter passage and add more pauses and playfulness.

Tease the audience into caring about your characters, then stop.

You’ll have some fun and maybe sell a few books.

JOKE OF THE DAY:

What did the Indians say when they saw the pilgrims coming?

“Great, boat people.”

www.robloughranbooks.com

Adventures of an e-Book Bookie, 27: THE ONE ESSENTIAL, NON-NEGOTIABLE, NON-TRANSFERABLE FREE SECRET TO WRITING SUCCESS

The secret to writing success?

What is it?

We already possess it.

We use it daily, and, in most aspects of our lives, have honed it to a scalpel’s keenness.

Is it creativity?

No, creative people rarely have time to sit down at a keyboard, as they are too busy feng shui-ing their way through the house and garden.

Genius?

Certainly not. Frustrated genius is so common it has become a cliché.

Determination?

Nope, determined people die, every day; sad, shrunken and unfulfilled.

Dedication?

(See Determination)

THE ONE ESSENTIAL, NON-NEGOTIABLE, NON-TRANSFERABLE FREE SECRET TO WRITING SUCCESS is, of course, denial.

Never underestimate the power of denial.

Now, with e-publishing, that there are officially more writers than readers the skill of denial is more important, nay, more crucial than ever.

Don’t deny your denial; celebrate, revel in it!

Sweet denial is the single guaranteed skill that will GET YOU THROUGH the first draft of your current novel:

YES, the writing is compelling!

YES, the characters are gripping, well-rounded, and earnest!

YES, the book will be published, promoted, and lauded!

(In truth, the writing will probably be spotty and in dire need of revision. The characters, so sparky and real in your mind’s-eye, will be somewhat stale and inconsistent. A publisher is not waiting, pen poised, with a six-figure contract for you to sign.)

But the good news is, because of denial, we have made it through. We have finished a first draft and now the real writing, rewriting, can begin.

We all looked at ourselves in the mirror this morning, and despite our blemishes, bulges and imperfections, went out to face the world. And to a certain undeniable degree, we all succeed in a million tiny, and ultimately telling, ways everyday.

As writers we need to apply our finely-tuned skills of denial directly to our writing. Not to undermine our enthusiasm for writing on a daily basis, but to make it easier. Accept the fact that it’s difficult to write and realize that: a) What we write might not be good—but with work and rewriting can be improved. b) If it is good it might not be published—at least right away. And c) If it is published it might not sell—no Silver Lining here, just something to be aware of. Sorry.

Think for a minute: of all the modern skills we possess denial is the one that has evolved into an unconscious art-form. On an hourly basis, raise your hands, please, who doesn’t utilize the following formulae of denial:

1) My job/marriage/stock portfolio/commute will get better.

2) I’ll start working out, eating smart, and lose a few pounds.

3) The children are just going through an annoying phase.

4) We can easily turn this global warming thing around...

Ruth Gordon said, Never give up and face the facts. This is dandy advice. As writers we should lighten up, lower our expectations and allow ourselves to turn out well-intentioned dreck.

Utilize denial as a tool to make writing easier. Pretend you’re writing gems and at least you’re producing some rocks that can be polished to eventually look like gems.

Sadly—and happily—the world is what we see it as. Writers need to use this cosmic loophole to our advantage. Don’t procrastinate because your writing isn’t good enough. Pretend you’re good enough and finish that first draft. Improve your writing through writing—utilizing the positive power of denial!

YES!

I mean NO!

Now I’m all confused, I think I’ll go write something.

JOKE OF THE DAY: What is black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, and black-and-white?

101 Dalmatians.

www.robloughranbooks.com

It's Cool: Bad Review; Great Recommendation

I received, ironically (or perhaps fittingly) a bad review and the best recommendation for Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story within hours of each other. The bad review was accurate. The book is filthy and silly and adolescent.

And it really didn't hurt.

There is more than one restaurant out there because there are different tastes and the same with authors. I originally had dedicated Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story to Lawrence Sterne because I love The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy and Mr. Sterne showed me you can be fucking goofy as hell and still write a cogent and viable novel.

A lovely lesson learned at a young age.

But I ended up dedicating it to Chris Grayson, a dear friend from Talequah, OK (with whom I'd started a production company to sell and produce my screenplays) who died way too young and with far too many unrealized dreams.

That's a different story for a different time.

So I posted on the reviewer's blog a nice and heartfelt thank you note because I mean it. I'm a writer, you read my book: Thank You Thank You Thank You .

That’s the bad review. The best recommendation requires a set-up:

My boss (at the restaurant where I work) is married to my co-worker at the same restaurant. They are an energetic, funny, vibrant couple who are committed to the environment. They homesteaded a tract of land (their dream) and have made it sustainable—they are off the grid and do with solar—and their garden recycles and mulches and utilizes material that was known as "garbage" when I was growing up. (But then, I'm so old the "homeless" were then called "bums": And eggs and bacon and sunshine were good for you...)

At the restaurant we employ a cycle of bussers who attend the local high school and move on to college and a better life. My boss and his wife employ, after these bussers are done with their restaurant careers but before they begin their professional careers as "grunt" labor on their homestead. I say "grunt" in quotes because these boys&girls are smart and talented and attend UCSB, SSU, UCSD, or Cal Poly SLO.

I was told that, last weekend, two of these bussers (both who will graduate with honors) were up on the homestead with shovels in their hands. But while they were digging they were whipping out their cellphones to use as calculators and were assessing slope and runoff and, basically, working as surveyors.

So after the day’s work is done a meal is cooked and wine is consumed and no one drives home. Sleeping bags were rolled out and my boss' wife decides to open a copy of Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story and read the 23 year old boys a bedtime story.

I was told they giggled.

I don't care how many copies Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story sells.

I don’t care how many reviews—good or bad—it engenders.

It made two smart 20-somethings giggle when their surrogate momma read it to them as a bedtime story.

Success at last!

Check out a good review of (and a fun site) Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story here: http://www.frellathon.com/2011/10/teenaged-pussies-from-outer-space.html

Purchase a copy of Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space: A Love Story (for 99 freaking cents) here: www.smashwords.com/profile/view/robloughranbooks